Tarese’s Story
I thought trauma was my whole story. Turns out it was just the start.
Trauma was my constant for as long as I can remember. The physical, psychological, spiritual and sexual abuse left me battered, bruised and scarred. Neglect also drained my soul and left me starved for connection. I also grew up in a remote and sheltered environment, homeschooled and hidden away from the world. Because of this, there was no one to tell. I was alone. Truly alone.
At the age of 12, I started self-harming. When I felt physical pain, it numbed the emotional pain for a while. It was how I coped. I started restricting my eating as a way of trying to control the chaos I felt inside. But I only ended up in a vicious cycle of binging and purging that consumed every waking hour of my days.
I began to feel a deep, dark depression that sucked the life and hope from my soul. I tried running away from where I lived, only to be sent right back by the police. I couldn't escape from my circumstances or my mind. The depression deepened.
I began to give up hope; I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted the chaos inside to stop. I started to overdose, landing myself in the hospital. Truth be told, I didn't really want to die. I just didn't know how else to make it stop. By age 18, I'd given up on life and myself. If this was life, I didn't want it.
Throughout the years, the abuse continued; only the faces were different. 'Hopeless, failure, worthless'—These were the words I believed. 'Unlovable, broken, unfixable'.
As a last resort, I applied to different rehabs, and one accepted me.
Two weeks later, I arrived at Destiny Haven, terrified and afraid.
Dressed in black from hair to shoes, dragging a suitcase and carrying my broken and shattered soul. It felt like my lowest moment, but in looking back, it was the moment the seed of hope was planted.
Destiny Haven is a long-term residential program for women with life-controlling issues, and their ethos is to see broken lives and hearts restored. And this is where I spent the next two years.
It took me a long time to lower the walls of distrust that thickly surrounded my heart, but the safe space allowed me to open my heart to healing the places I'd bolted tightly shut. I thought I knew what love was, and I didn't want a bar of it. But it was the first time I experienced unconditional love, which changed my experience and view of love. They helped me pick up the broken pieces of my soul, untangle the mess and slowly begin to put the pieces back together.
I truly believed my value was based solely on what I could do for others or what I could let them take from me. Slowly, gradually, I learnt that I am valued simply for who I am, regardless of what I do or don't do. My worth had been battered and tossed like a ship in a storm, but as I found a constant in my value, my insides began to stabilise and subside.
Trauma always leaves a legacy, and that painful legacy needed to be addressed and its future narrative changed. I began the journey of working through a lifetime of trauma, which was no easy or small feat. I had to learn as an adult things I should have learnt as a child. And I had to understand what I should never have known as a child and work through the consequences of the actions of others.
“I thought my worth depended on what I gave. Now I know I am enough just as I am.”
I found hope, and I found dreams I never knew I had. I discovered my creative side, my ability to write and draw, and my favourite thing of all: sewing and designing. It's like the younger me who never got to read fairytales suddenly came alive, and she takes great delight in making magical and whimsical gowns in all hues and colours. In this adult wonderland, make-believe can come true. Where once there was only a grey-scale world, there is now more colour.
My younger self firmly believed she was incapable of studying and being academic. She failed school and dropped out, which further added to those wrong beliefs. Fast forward to the present day, I have not only finished separate diplomas in Fashion Design and Business Leadership but also a Master's in Counselling.
Turns out I am capable and can do things.
I've gone on to work at a custom hand-made bridal atelier for a number of years, fine-tuning my sewing and designing skills. I've worked on many of my own pieces, which have been featured on several magazine covers and multiple magazine spreads, including Vogue Italia. In addition, my designs have been seen on several runways, I've received awards, and scholarships and been a Lenovo Brand Ambassador.
It might sound impressive, but if I strip back the layers of my achievements, I know from the depths of my once-utterly shattered heart that genuine, unconditional love is the reason I am alive today. I was loved back to life. Gently, patiently, and always with no strings attached. I was cared for and valued, regardless of the circumstances.
I have achieved many dreams already, but my dreaming continues.
My goal is now to create an online space to share others' stories and interviews of hope, courage and vulnerability. In the dark nights of my soul, I used to search for stories of those similar to mine, of those who made it. Before I even really knew what hope was, I was searching for it.
I want to give a platform to those who hold stories of hope so that others who need to hear them can. I plan to continue growing this space and sharing hope with the hearts that need it most.
Over the last few years, it's been a journey. Sure, I have days where I find I've stubbed my toe on a sharp shard of my heart that I didn't realise still needs healing. They say life is a journey, not a destination, and I suppose they are right. Healing is an ongoing journey, and often it's like a darn onion with layers that sometimes make you cry.
I don't know if you believe in God or if you don't. Honestly, at times, I've believed, and at times I've questioned. I grew up in a very religious household, so strict that it felt like I could barely breathe. There were rules. So many rules. And so much fear. There were always consequences to breaking the rules, and with that came more fear. Fear of humans and God.
I'd always known from the bottom of my heart that someone did exist because I knew I shouldn't have survived what I'd been through or tried to do to myself, except for someone looking out for me. It wasn't until going to rehab at Destiny Haven that I realised that the God I'd been taught about did not exist. It's not that God didn't exist, but the version of him I'd been taught about didn't. And through the example and experience of those who knew him, I came to know Him differently.
There's something about experiencing something that is more life-changing than head knowledge. And the change in my life reflects that experience. In rehab, I learnt about a God of love, grace, and acceptance. But what changed me the most was experiencing this for myself for the first time ever. There were people who walked the talk.
They were a living example of God with skin on, and it both confused and reassured me. I began to learn through experience what this thing called grace and unconditional love was. It took me a while to understand it, and truth be told, I'm still understanding it in different ways and depths. I'm not sure one can ever fully understand unconditional love and grace, but I remain open to it.
I'm not going to pretend I'm perfect because I'm not. But now I know that I don't have to be afraid. Sometimes I feel the edges of fear creeping in, but I can now remind myself of what is true and who is true.
Although I would never wish the trauma I have experienced on anyone, not even my abusers, I know I would never have known healing without the brokenness. Without the shattered pieces, I never would have known the kaleidoscope my heart is now.
He's taken the broken shards in his hands, and rather than eliminate the brokenness into a piece of glass that's never been broken, he's had a different plan. He's used the past and the broken pieces to construct something new, something beautiful.
No mosaic has ever been built without first being broken, and it's in the breaking that there is a new beginning. He has given me beauty from the ashes, and my life and creativity reflect His beauty and the ongoing creation of the mosaic of my life.
“I believed I had no future. Destiny helped me find one worth living for.”